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By Ray Hickson

For the first time in quite a while, Chris Williams can say he’s happy.

What took a long time, and shockingly almost cost him his life, was to admit that he wasn’t happy and that he wasn’t coping with what slowly became a day to day grind in his head.

The talented apprentice says that’s what he underestimated about depression the first time he tried to tackle it. That the things he’d say to himself weren’t taking a toll and that admitting them was a sign of weakness.

Jockey Chris Williams is keen to repay the faith of those who supported him through his mental health battle. (Pic: Bradley Photos).

That not coping wasn’t an option.

After basically vanishing from racing in early March, having come very close to the edge, the 27-year-old has been back in the saddle for a few weeks and he’s decided to tell his story if for no other reason than for others to know it’s okay to talk.

“I lost interest in everything, not just racing but day to day life,’’ he said.

“I was going to work, going home, sleeping, waking up each morning thinking I’d had enough.

“I was just turning up for the sake of turning up. People said things but I ignored them, I thought I could figure it out on my own.

“It took me getting to the lowest point to admit I had issues I needed to sort out, and I had to do that the tough way.

“It was weird I felt like I did. I’ve got family, friends, a good job, a great boss. I had thoughts but it was weird I was even considering stuff like that.”

The “tough way” is exactly what you’re thinking. Williams says there wasn’t one single thing that led him to reaching the point where he was found unconscious in his room by some friends.

He does know that the year started quite well on the racing front. In mid-January he made a quick trip back home to Bourke, a trip he concedes he should have extended but didn’t because he thought he could beat what was brewing.

Back-to-back suspensions, including one for lying to stewards, proved the tipping point.

“I’d been back one day and I broke down in my house. I’d had enough,’’ he said.

“I couldn’t control myself, I felt like I didn’t have control of my body. It’s the most scared I’ve ever been. I’d do things to escape. It was scary, not just for me but for my mates around me.

“I cut everyone off. Even my housemate at the time was saying something wasn’t right and I should see someone. I like to figure things out myself, I tried to do it on my own and it didn’t end well. Two of my mates basically saved my life.

“I took things I probably shouldn’t have, my mates found me in my room unconscious. It’s not something anyone would like to see. Without them I wouldn’t be here today.”

Williams admits alcohol became a problem and that led to drugs being involved. Anything for an escape.

The first two months of his recovery were tough. In his words they weren’t very enjoyable. He was back at home and found it hard to really open up.

He was given a contact by NSW Jockeys Association CEO Tony Crisafi of a psychologist available to him through Racing NSW and encouraged him to make the call. You could say he’s glad he did.

Chris Williams enjoying country life.

“The first day I went home I had to go to the hospital, mum was pretty distraught. It was tough, not just on me but on everyone,’’ he said.

“When I did talk to someone they asked when did it start. When I was a kid I saw some pretty bad things so I suppose I was bottling all that up for quite a few years, and being angry at it.

“I didn’t fully commit to getting it sorted. Racing has been a hideaway. You have such highs but the lows can be really low. It started to get bad after my first season in Sydney.

“I was close to Robbie Dolan and got injured and he ended up winning the premiership (2019/20). It was like a ripple effect.”

In May, Williams wrote a lengthy Facebook post telling friends about his recent struggles with mental illness and was overwhelmed by the support.

Just under two weeks later he wrote “it’s good to finally be happy”. That was just at the start of his journey as he rediscovered the simple life away from his personal demons.

He played football, went skiing, worked on the farm and connected with friends.

“I was working from sun up to sun down at home and it was tough but exactly what I needed,’’ he said.

“Working on the farm was good, I got a break. I caught up with old friends. I played a bit of footy which I really enjoyed. I realised how much racing means to me and how much I wanted to do it.

“I can’t believe the difference. People say first you have to admit you have a problem and the rest is easy. That’s what it was.

“I actually enjoy training and sweating and pushing my body to the limit. It’s good for my mind to train. I’d like to repay all the people I’ve stuffed around a bit. Show people I’m here for the long haul.”

Initially he wasn’t coming back to riding. That’s at least what he told his boss Les Bridge, but the master trainer didn’t let him close the door so quickly. He left it very much ajar.

“Early on I rang Les and said ‘sorry I’m not coming back’,’’ he said.

“He said, and it was the best thing, take as long as you need and there’ll always be a spot here for you. It was a saving grace having Les say that.

“Les and (son) Jason kept in contact. When it was time to come back I rang the boss and said I’m ready to go. He’s an inspiration and hopefully I can win a big race for him one day.

“I’ve got to thank my manager Nathan Daniels, too, he was entitled to get rid of me to be honest.”

A return to Sydney probably went a little unnoticed but it happened early in December and while the opportunities weren’t immediately there Williams said he was happy to put the work in.

Chris Williams with 'the boss' Les Bridge. (Pic: Bradley Photos).

And it seems to be paying off. He’ll head to Randwick on Saturday with three good chances on the Kensington track including a horse he’s been itching to ride for some time.

That’s the John Thompson-trained Purple Sector, who is part-owned by Joseph Hayek. Williams is good mates with his son Harry, a UK-based McLaren GT driver and responsible for the horse’s car racing themed name, and is grateful for the chance in the Maroubra Mile (1550m).

“Harry’s family has been a big influence on me and big supporters,’’ he said.

“I’ve been trying to get on the horse for ages. Everyone has seen me come back a different person and John has given me a lot of opportunities.

“With the guys going up to the carnival he’s throwing me a bone.”

Purple Sector, $5.50 with TAB on Thursday, has had one run back from a spell for an eye-catching second behind Oscar Zulu over 1400m at Randwick two weeks ago.

“The horse is going really good. He trialled well and at his last run he was a bit wide but the best thing was he hit the line well under a big weight,’’ he said.

“He drops 2kg. As long as I ride him to the best of my ability hopefully we can get the job done.”

If you’ve read this far Chris Williams has a final message for you – don’t keep it all inside.

“You don’t think it’s going to happen to you,’’ he said.

“Then it does and it hits you like a ton of bricks. I’ve had to pick myself up again and say ‘do I want it or not’. You can’t be half hearted about it. If you work hard the rewards are there.”

* If you are having issues with depression or mental health contact services like Lifeline or Beyond Blue.

All the fields, form and replays for Saturday's Kensington meeting